Supporting a Survivor

Someone might say “I had a weird night…” or “something happened to me,” without clearly labeling their experience. Pay attention to the behaviors they are describing.  

Express empathy through your words and body language. Believe them. Say things like: “I’m sorry that happened to you.”; “It’s not your fault.”; “Thank you for telling me.” 

Assess if they are safe by asking things “Do you feel unsafe?” or “How are you feeling about your safety?” If they are in immediate danger, call for help. 

Try to get a sense of what the person wants and needs by asking “What do you need in this moment?” “How can I support you?”  

Ask if they’d like to know more about resources. You can also offer to accompany them to an office or make a phone call with them. For example, you could say, “I know a bit about [resource]. Would you like me to tell you more?” Respect their choices as to whether they access resources or not. 

Create a follow up plan “How can I support you going forward?” “Would you like me to check in about this with you in the future?” 

Learning someone you know has experienced sexual violence may bring up intense feelings or emotions. While these reactions are normal, it may be helpful to talk to someone about what you are feeling or reach out for support.  You can ask yourself “What do I need in this moment?” or “What feelings are coming up for me?” 

• If the assault took place recently, ask if they need medical attention or are interested in forensic evidence collection. Some medical treatment is time sensitive and is best accessed ASAP. Learn more about immediate steps here.

• Mirror the language they use. Use whatever language they use instead of labeling the incident(s) yourself.  For example, if they say, I was “assaulted,” don’t use the word “raped.” 

• Avoid questions that could feel blaming such as “Why were you there?” “Were you drinking?” “How did this happen?” 

• Be mindful that physical touch may not be helpful. Many find that especially right after an assault, they do not wish to be touched even by friends.  Ask if it’s okay to give them a hug or to put a hand on their shoulder.   

• Educate yourself in order to support them. Healing is a process that will take time. Learning about common reactions to trauma might help you to normalize what’s going on for them. For more information on trauma’s impact on the mind and body, see OPEN’s Healing Handbook.  

• Don’t treat them very differently. Remember they are a whole person.  This one incident does not define who they are.  Don’t pity them or bring every conversation back to this.  Some sense of normalcy will be healthy.  Continue to invite them to do the things you enjoyed doing together. 

• Respect their privacy. It’s really important that they get to decide who to tell and when to tell them.  Don’t tell others, especially in your same social networks. 

• Ask if they are safe.  If you or someone you know is concerned for their safety, see our Get Help Now page on immediate steps regarding safety.  

• Help connect them to resources and support. Know that Northeastern staff are available to support you and your friend. 

• Learn more about stalking. The Stalking Resource Center provides this brochure on warning signs of stalking, common reactions to stalking, and things you can do, along with a Quick Tips Guide for Friends/Loved Ones for Supporting Victims of Stalking. 

• Take care of yourself.  Get support and ensure your own safety. Consider connecting to confidential support through OPEN’s Community Consultation services. 

• If you are worried for your friend’s immediate safety, call local police for help. Additionally, see OPEN’s Get Help Now page for more information on steps to take. The person may also need medical treatment (particularly if they have head injuries or have experienced strangulation.) 

• Recognize potential warning signs of abuse. Learning about warnings signs for unhealthy relationships and resources to support those experiencing dating/domestic violence can be helpful in knowing what your role can be. Read more about warning signs on Love Is Respect’s website. 

• Express care and concern without judgement: For examples on how to start a conversation and support a friend see tips from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, The One Love Foundation, and Cornell University’s video example. 

• Avoid directly confronting the abusive partner. This may escalate violence against their partner. 

• Keep showing up (to the extent you feel safe to do so.) Abusive partners often intentionally isolate their partner. This may lead to your friend/student canceling plans or being out of touch. Continuing to check in or invite them to do things, lets them know you can be someone to go to if or when they are ready to leave the relationship. 

• Take care of yourself.  Get support and ensure your own safety. Consider connecting to confidential support through OPEN’s Community Consultation services. 

All Mandatory University Reporters are required to promptly report any and all information they receive about sexual misconduct, including sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape, via the designated University systems.  Please see Resources for Mandatory University Reporters on The Office for University Equity and Compliance website for information.   

In addition to the information explained above, it is important to share your reporting obligations with students and to explain that the Office for University and Compliance will reach out to them about next steps.  

More detailed information about how to have that conversation can be found here:  Faculty/Staff RESPOND Guide